Winning, but not at time estimations

So I guess you could say I won the race?
Actually, it's a little funny how it took me almost forever to write all those applications for all them educations, only to have to call them back, telling them that "I'm no longer interested", since I've now got accepted (if that's how you say i properly. Otherwise, this was improper. Oh dear) at one of the forever ongoing list of schools I've been applying to.

So since there now is an end to my free time, it's actually 'free time' ^^
I've also been quite sick the past two days or so, which in this case means that I've not been able to get myself any chocolate for some time.
Thing is, it's not been to bad, really, due to the over all crappieness. It's like when you're falling to the ground, and mid-air realizes that your nose is bleeding. It won't matter when you hit the ground, because it would bleed all the same when you smacked that pretty face into the hard surface.
Thus; success!

And as a last note:
I've been watching the sky, wondering why it didn't get dark, when I realized it's at the point when the sun is actually rising...
But sleep is for the weak, right?

Addiction, I'd be better off without you

I miss you all.
Not that most of you are likely to ever read this.
I still miss you, though.

I've been thinking, as usual, and I thought that maybe it's time for me to realize how much of a addict I am.
Oh, the irony.
As a member of a association for people that dissosiates themselves from alcohols and other drugs, I am struggling hard with an addiction. Some people consider it a drug, most people however, does not. You can buy it practically everywhere, legally of course.
It's sugar. Just good old sugar.

It might not sound like a big deal, but it really is. For me, it defenitely classifies as a drug. It might not be toxic, but most people would agree that it's not healthy. I'm happiest whenever I'm eating something sugary and the time in between I'm either off restocking my "supplies" or planning on how or when to do so.

Every night, I promise myself that tomorrow's gonna be different, but every morning I wake up with no reistance what so ever.

What this all basically does is taking focus from things that are actually important in life. I'm left with considerably little time to do anything, besides from feeding the addiction. It affects my motivation to do things, my social life and my economy.

I can't say I'm very proud of myself. Especially since I'm supposed to oppose drugs.
What a joke.

It began as a sort of self medication of my anxiety. It didn't feel as bad as taking any actual medicine, because it was just ordinary food. Or candy, really. But still. It was a really easy fall.
But every now and then I actually do put up some resistanse, but it haven't quite worked yet, since I then have to battle both the withrawal symptoms and the initial anxiety.

I don't know.
It's just giving me a hard time, that's all.

What's there to like?

If everyone has a value, then why do I feel so worthless?
Why do I keep watching other people living their lives when I could live a life myself?
When did I quit dreaming and how do I start again?
Every time I face someone that's heading somewhere in life I feel mainly three things.
1. Guilt, for not doing similar stuff myself.
2. Happieness, because I feel how alive one could be.
3. Regret, because I wish I was doing stuff too, instead of locking myself upp in my room.

I've failed at life and I'm the only one who notice it.

I just haven't met anyone lately. I avoid people, both online and in real life, because I can't face them, knowing that I'm mostly like an empty shell, not knowing or experiencing anything.

To wake up every morning only to realize that this day won't be any different...

Dreams are for alive people

I keep getting the feeling that people are only checking you in if you're creative, or "successful" with yourself if you will. That feeling when you can tell that someone is really living life. Not necessarily partying and doing all sorts of crazy stuff, but really going in for what they're doing and actually liking it. That kind of alive. 

As long as you're good to go, you'll get all the help you could ever want, but when you slip down it becomes much harder both to actually get real help and to get up there again. 

I usually start of with a somewhat good idea that I want to explain and get out of my head, but towards the end I use to get this feeling that I don't really know what I'm talking about. But then, who does? 

There is something I usually think and really would like to express but always seem to fail at getting out there. You see, I really love you for living. This might sound harsh or even creepy, but it's really the most comforting thing ever to know that at least the people that I know live a life worth living. I always use to think about them when I feel that my life is not worth living. It's calming.

So I just wanted to say thank you and that I actually love you. 

I just always feel pretty creepy about it. So I probably won't tell you in person. 

Where are you going with your life?

Some times I have theese days, where I just feel like a pile of worthless shit. This day is one of those days.
I don't actually have the time to write this, but I'm going to anyway.

So I have my periods in life. Or states of mind. Or whatever. Of which there are mainly three.

• The first and most common one is the "I guess I'm fine" kind of state, where nothing really matters too much. I'm not very happy and everything feels sort of grey-ish. This is the by far most common one.
• Next up, the second most common one: the "I hate my life so much I could puke" state of mind. This is where I feel no joy what so ever, I can't remember when the last time was that I had fun and there is no reason for anyone to like me. Ever. This is not the everyday scenario, although it's becomming increasingly common. 
• The last and least common of my states of mind would be the "Today is great, I can see myself living a happy life and actually contribute to the world!" one. It's however by far the most rare one of the three. 

It's just that I can't see myself living a happy life. That's all.

What do I do? Who am I?

I've subscribed to a whole bunch of new people on YouTube this week, just because I thought they were doing what they liked and sharing it with the world.
I do a lot of things trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be, and this is not an exception. Or an inception. But that is a movie. So never mind that. I also don't really know what inception actually means.
Anyway!
A lot of the people that I subbed to were just ordinary people living lives which one (in this case me) could easily be jealous about. They were being occupied in their every day life with stuff they actually liked to be doing.

Anyway, due to the somewhat egocentric person that I am, I began to think "What about I did what they were doing?". I thought a lot about this, or at least a little, and came to understand that I would probably not enjoy living their lives. And here is why.
These people seemed to be happy and they probably are, but they are doing all their work from home or in some cases, just one single room! I mean, I could never work at home! Because of... everything!
Or maybe I could and I'm just being jealous. Or lazy. Maybe both. Yeah, probably both.

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it and feel like a much better person, filled with new energy!
If you for some reason don't, then I can't blame you. But thanks anyway ^^
Fro stopping by.

Split

In The Lord of the Rings, Gandalf told Frodo about Gollum. He told him that Gollum hates and loves himself, just as he hates and loves the ring. I thought a little about this. Doesn't Gollum apply to a lot of people? He does to me, at least. I hate and love myself, just as I hate and love the internet.

Oh yeah, this is my daily procrastination trip, in case you were wondering. Even though I guess it's a little more to it than just procrastination.
It's Friday, which means it's Parrentswappingday. My parents are divorced, like many others, and again, like many others, I move between two homes. This causes a lot of stress, but it's not the moving that's stressful.
My life works a lot like my bag. What I can't fit into my bag, I can't fit into my life. Just saying.
Ever since I was like 11 or maybe 12 I have been carrying my stuff back and forth. It's really not that hard, you get used to it fairly quick.

I've got these two separate homes, with my two totally different rooms. That I live in.
Who could have figured?
The thing is this. Or things, since there are more than one.
I would like to be able to bring as little as possible with me, since stuff tend to get heavy when there's a lot of it. Quite simple.
Now, in order to do that I would need to have the rest just waiting for me at the other end. Like, everything I can't carry with me. But to have two setups of the same life is both expensive and... weird. So! What to do? Well, for me the choice was easy. As in there was no choice. I split my life in two. Like two halves.
Now you might think that "Hey! That's just stuff, right?". And yes, that's true. It's just stuff. However!
You generally like to keep your personal stuff (which actually is quite a lot of things) close to you. Like, at least in your house.

Okay, I don't know. I'm just talking for myself here, but I really think that since it's hard to live a life without a secure and solid "this is my place".

So I have two parents, two homes and tries two have one life. In reality, what I've done, without actually noticing it, I've gathered my most important stuff at one place, and just what I happen to need in the other.
And here comes the recap to the stress I wrote about earlier. The one thing that always haunt me.
Since I've gathered most of my stuff at one place, it's kind of favored. I like to spend my time there, more than in the other place. What this does is that I want to live in only one place, due to the comfort of my room and the feeling of secure "homeness", which in the other end means that I feel bad for not wanting to live at my other parents place. I happen to love my parents a lot, so every time I feel like I'd rather stay at just one place I feel false and disloyal.

I'll try to sum this up.
I've got two rooms at separate parents, one room that's in favor over the other. While I'd rather stay at just one place, and make my life fixed and easy to manage, I feel a strongly disloyal to my disfavored parent. Even though it's actually the place that's disfavored. But it's hard to explain when all you feel is like running away to somewhere else.
"I really like to be with you, but I'd rather not be here..." I mean, just... how does that sound? Bad? I'd figure it sounds pretty bad, yeah.

This is really exhausting. One of a few reasons to why I have periods when I barely talks to people.
I guess I should just get my lazy fat ass over to my other place.

If you managed to read through all this, you're awesome.