What if I suck?
I realized today that I felt almost relieved to draw back from more or less all social activity this summer in favor of studying for my drivers licence.
It felt very odd. Or well, at least it did when I thought it through, but at the initial moment it felt just right.
I feel like as if I can't be "saved", since I can't even be with people any more.
Well...
The thing is
I can.
I just can't initialize myself in anything fun, because I can't really find anything that stands out as fun to me.
The two things I want is being alone and re-learn archery. Eventually making my own bow. But that's just dreaming. Actually, it's all just dreaming. And it's a nightmare. Because I sincerely do hate being alone. I despise it. Which is sad, because I'm alone quite a lot.
Sometimes I miss being in love. Even when I wasn't engaged in any kind of relationship.
Miss it. A lot.
Having that someone that held some kind of special place in my mind.
I actually miss a lot of things.
However I don't really know if it's considered missing if none of it ever happened. I guess it's more like longing.
I need to find a purpose.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Hospitals 'n stuff
I just thought for a moment that I would like to share a memory with you. One that I remembered the other day when visiting my grand father at the hospital.
He is doing okay, btw, so for the rest of this post you can rest assured he's quite well.
However, as I walked into his room, it all felt very familiar. And here's something strange: I do miss it sometimes.
I miss the sence of how I was doing a good job for just being fine. I miss the professional care taking. It feels a bit strange, really.
I still remember all the scents, the lights and the was things sounded in those rooms. It all felt so real and close, and I think that's some of the things I miss the most these days. That closeness to the body and everything.
I remember waking up after the surgery, thinking it was just another monday and I was supposed to get up for school. I also remember the relief when someone told me I could sleep a little more. I don't think I ever opened my eyes at the recovery area, where you're being checked on and woke up.
And so, the glorious moment of finally waking up, in a bed, in a room and with an overwhelming need to throw up...
These are some of my memories of a time almost eight years ago.
I lost some weight and couldn't walk properly for about a month and a half, but for some reason I do miss this. And I honestly don't understand why.
He is doing okay, btw, so for the rest of this post you can rest assured he's quite well.
However, as I walked into his room, it all felt very familiar. And here's something strange: I do miss it sometimes.
I miss the sence of how I was doing a good job for just being fine. I miss the professional care taking. It feels a bit strange, really.
I still remember all the scents, the lights and the was things sounded in those rooms. It all felt so real and close, and I think that's some of the things I miss the most these days. That closeness to the body and everything.
I remember waking up after the surgery, thinking it was just another monday and I was supposed to get up for school. I also remember the relief when someone told me I could sleep a little more. I don't think I ever opened my eyes at the recovery area, where you're being checked on and woke up.
And so, the glorious moment of finally waking up, in a bed, in a room and with an overwhelming need to throw up...
These are some of my memories of a time almost eight years ago.
I lost some weight and couldn't walk properly for about a month and a half, but for some reason I do miss this. And I honestly don't understand why.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Winning, but not at time estimations
So I guess you could say I won the race?
Actually, it's a little funny how it took me almost forever to write all those applications for all them educations, only to have to call them back, telling them that "I'm no longer interested", since I've now got accepted (if that's how you say i properly. Otherwise, this was improper. Oh dear) at one of the forever ongoing list of schools I've been applying to.
So since there now is an end to my free time, it's actually 'free time' ^^
I've also been quite sick the past two days or so, which in this case means that I've not been able to get myself any chocolate for some time.
Thing is, it's not been to bad, really, due to the over all crappieness. It's like when you're falling to the ground, and mid-air realizes that your nose is bleeding. It won't matter when you hit the ground, because it would bleed all the same when you smacked that pretty face into the hard surface.
Thus; success!
And as a last note:
I've been watching the sky, wondering why it didn't get dark, when I realized it's at the point when the sun is actually rising...
But sleep is for the weak, right?
Actually, it's a little funny how it took me almost forever to write all those applications for all them educations, only to have to call them back, telling them that "I'm no longer interested", since I've now got accepted (if that's how you say i properly. Otherwise, this was improper. Oh dear) at one of the forever ongoing list of schools I've been applying to.
So since there now is an end to my free time, it's actually 'free time' ^^
I've also been quite sick the past two days or so, which in this case means that I've not been able to get myself any chocolate for some time.
Thing is, it's not been to bad, really, due to the over all crappieness. It's like when you're falling to the ground, and mid-air realizes that your nose is bleeding. It won't matter when you hit the ground, because it would bleed all the same when you smacked that pretty face into the hard surface.
Thus; success!
And as a last note:
I've been watching the sky, wondering why it didn't get dark, when I realized it's at the point when the sun is actually rising...
But sleep is for the weak, right?
Friday, June 8, 2012
Addiction, I'd be better off without you
I miss you all.
Not that most of you are likely to ever read this.
I still miss you, though.
I've been thinking, as usual, and I thought that maybe it's time for me to realize how much of a addict I am.
Oh, the irony.
As a member of a association for people that dissosiates themselves from alcohols and other drugs, I am struggling hard with an addiction. Some people consider it a drug, most people however, does not. You can buy it practically everywhere, legally of course.
It's sugar. Just good old sugar.
It might not sound like a big deal, but it really is. For me, it defenitely classifies as a drug. It might not be toxic, but most people would agree that it's not healthy. I'm happiest whenever I'm eating something sugary and the time in between I'm either off restocking my "supplies" or planning on how or when to do so.
Every night, I promise myself that tomorrow's gonna be different, but every morning I wake up with no reistance what so ever.
What this all basically does is taking focus from things that are actually important in life. I'm left with considerably little time to do anything, besides from feeding the addiction. It affects my motivation to do things, my social life and my economy.
I can't say I'm very proud of myself. Especially since I'm supposed to oppose drugs.
What a joke.
It began as a sort of self medication of my anxiety. It didn't feel as bad as taking any actual medicine, because it was just ordinary food. Or candy, really. But still. It was a really easy fall.
But every now and then I actually do put up some resistanse, but it haven't quite worked yet, since I then have to battle both the withrawal symptoms and the initial anxiety.
I don't know.
It's just giving me a hard time, that's all.
Not that most of you are likely to ever read this.
I still miss you, though.
I've been thinking, as usual, and I thought that maybe it's time for me to realize how much of a addict I am.
Oh, the irony.
As a member of a association for people that dissosiates themselves from alcohols and other drugs, I am struggling hard with an addiction. Some people consider it a drug, most people however, does not. You can buy it practically everywhere, legally of course.
It's sugar. Just good old sugar.
It might not sound like a big deal, but it really is. For me, it defenitely classifies as a drug. It might not be toxic, but most people would agree that it's not healthy. I'm happiest whenever I'm eating something sugary and the time in between I'm either off restocking my "supplies" or planning on how or when to do so.
Every night, I promise myself that tomorrow's gonna be different, but every morning I wake up with no reistance what so ever.
What this all basically does is taking focus from things that are actually important in life. I'm left with considerably little time to do anything, besides from feeding the addiction. It affects my motivation to do things, my social life and my economy.
I can't say I'm very proud of myself. Especially since I'm supposed to oppose drugs.
What a joke.
It began as a sort of self medication of my anxiety. It didn't feel as bad as taking any actual medicine, because it was just ordinary food. Or candy, really. But still. It was a really easy fall.
But every now and then I actually do put up some resistanse, but it haven't quite worked yet, since I then have to battle both the withrawal symptoms and the initial anxiety.
I don't know.
It's just giving me a hard time, that's all.
Friday, June 1, 2012
What's there to like?
If everyone has a value, then why do I feel so worthless?
Why do I keep watching other people living their lives when I could live a life myself?
When did I quit dreaming and how do I start again?
Every time I face someone that's heading somewhere in life I feel mainly three things.
1. Guilt, for not doing similar stuff myself.
2. Happieness, because I feel how alive one could be.
3. Regret, because I wish I was doing stuff too, instead of locking myself upp in my room.
I've failed at life and I'm the only one who notice it.
I just haven't met anyone lately. I avoid people, both online and in real life, because I can't face them, knowing that I'm mostly like an empty shell, not knowing or experiencing anything.
To wake up every morning only to realize that this day won't be any different...
Why do I keep watching other people living their lives when I could live a life myself?
When did I quit dreaming and how do I start again?
Every time I face someone that's heading somewhere in life I feel mainly three things.
1. Guilt, for not doing similar stuff myself.
2. Happieness, because I feel how alive one could be.
3. Regret, because I wish I was doing stuff too, instead of locking myself upp in my room.
I've failed at life and I'm the only one who notice it.
I just haven't met anyone lately. I avoid people, both online and in real life, because I can't face them, knowing that I'm mostly like an empty shell, not knowing or experiencing anything.
To wake up every morning only to realize that this day won't be any different...