Crazy train

On a train to Stockholm, Sweden. Rather spontanious, one could say, since i had not been planning this in beforehand or anything.

Aah, the weather! It's absolutely beautiful! Oh, haven't I missed this.

Duties, are they?

Oh you know, I really don't know what to do.

This whole thing is a little to big. 

You see, tomorrow, or today as it usually is when I write stuff here, it's new year's eve. That, and time for some real serious business. I don't know what I can or should do and I'm not really fond of this situation at all, but things are as they are and there really wasn't much else for you to do. Or maybe, what do I know. But I'm glad that you told me anyways. Even though I do admit it's a scaring me quite a bit. All this. As it always has and always will.

You might read this, the one who this happens to be adressed to. I don't know if you'll know who you are. I think you will, though.

I really should sleep, so that I will actually be able to provide you with some support. 

Screwie

I have realized two things.
First, I've begun to realize that the whole "thing" with this blog has failed, somewhat. I was supposed to upload images with little texts attached to them, not whole novels without a single picture!

Second, I've realized how this way of living is eating my life away. It's almost three in the morning and I haven't even attempted going to bed. If I screw up now... nothing's gonna happen. Which is why I'll probably screw myself up. There's nothing that's really holding me back.

Of course, that's not entirely true. I won't do horribly stupid things, since there still are some people who consider me being a fairly reasonable person. Not totally senseless, at least. I do not wish to break any illusions, or inflict any other sort of harm to these people.

To wrap things up, I do proudly announce that my nose is cold!
Goodnight.



There was a bunch of stuff I was originally going to tell you, btw. But I've forgotten about half of it, and the rest is just... meh.

The lord of the ham

I'm on a mission! Which I'm not really that hyped about...

So my dad and I decided to start making the, uhm, Christmas ham. Yes, ham. Like a pig. A dead pig...
Anyhow, it's supposed to be in the oven for about 50 minutes per kilo, and this was 4 kg. The thing now is that someone will have to watch over it to make sure nothing is catching fire and that it doesn't stay for to long in the heat.

That someone would (not that surprisingly) seem to be me. Yay...
So I'm the Ham guard! Or protector of the... whatever. It's just me sitting in my room not even close to the oven, waiting for it to go BEEEEP. And then, it's time for a bucket. You see, we will have to put it outdoors since there is no space in our fridge. In order to not having all the animals in northern Europe to eat it, I'll have to find a nice fitting, or at least big enough, metal bucket for cover. Awesome!

Seriously, why didn't we just wait until tomorrow and begin it in the afternoon instead!?
But oh well, I like ham so I guess I can't complain too much about it.

Btw, does this make me a hamster? I'm frying ham, so the verb of ham should most reasonably be haming? And the one doing it should be a hamster, right?

You know what? I'm just gonna stop here and let you know about the outcome of this, once it's done.

Misery alert

Many posts today, eh? More than one are many.

I find myself in a need of physical stimuli. Or closeness, I guess you could say. I miss to have someone to be with, without doing anything at all, apart from being together. Just to feel that hand on your shoulder every now and then, a hug when things are shitty and some silent understanding. 

This is where friends, no matter how awesome they are, aren't enough. I would lie if I said that it's friendship I miss. I have totally awesome friends which I love in that way you love people you're not in love with. 

I've thought a lot about this. Maybe I just need to be confident in myself. That I too can contribute with something in a relationship and that it, when it comes to it just is about sex? I really don't like the thought of it. And don't think this is the core problem. But I'm certain that it's a fair part.

Someone once said to me that I would never get laid. He was right in a way, but not necessarily for whatever reasons he thought of. It's not for some inability to "mate" with people, but because I just can't take easy on this. And ease is pretty damn vital in a relation. 

This guy, btw, was that kind of guy who pumped weights at a gym instead of being in time for school, "got" a lot of girls and partied a lot. Now, I don't say I would have lived like he did if the opportunity had occurred, but at the time, really my only comfort was the though that he would probably get bad grades and hopefully a more miserable life than the me.

True story.

I'm almost twenty and I haven't had a working relationship yet. I can honestly tell you that I think most of my youth was spent on stuff I would have been better off without. Not that I had much of a choice. I just feel as if it was all in vein.

Life is the same. Less bullies, of course. But that's to be expected now that I can actually choose with whom I do spend my time. It's also quite obvious since I barely sees anyone at all. Or maybe I do and should just shut my big mouth. Who knows. 

This is some kind of a call to whoever is out there. If you read this, please respond. I need it! Just let me know you was here. I'll leave it by that.

So I figure I should be sick more often, then?

Okay, so here's what have been happening in my life recently!

As I might have said at some point, I always had a really hard time getting to sleep, which made me very tired during daytime. Because of this I didn't exercise a whole lot. Everything were spiraling downwards, sort of. Had no joy in everyday life and stuff just felt really shitty.

So this is what happened!

I missed the last bus home, a monday night, and had to walk all my way home. It took me one and a half hour, which isn't to much considering I have too much time anyways. However, I began to think, as I walked, that it felt kinda good to be moving a little. It actually felt so good that I've been walking to and/or from town every time I'm having an errand in town.
This was a huge plus for me. I felt so much better.

However, I still couldn't get myself to sleep very well, so eventually I cached a cold. I got fever and the whole kit. It resulted in me being really exhausted in the evenings, which finally made me go to sleep before freaking three in the morning! Of course, the cold sucked in general, but it gave me my days back!

So at this point I'm both sleeping well, not too late, and getting enough exercise and all. Happiness happiness happiness!


Oh, well... of course, I got this infection the other day, rendering me unable to walk or even move without heart-tearing pain... but well, I'll wear it out, eventually.

I guess that's it for now.
Oh, and I really have to buy stuff for Christmas...

Bye!

Why do I never get usable letters!?

I find it very hard to get up in the morning, nowadays. It's due to the fact that I could as well sleep, since I don't have anything to do in the days. Except of living my life, of course. But yeah, I'm having problems with that too. And I'm getting my ass kicked in Wordfeud... screw it.

The wall, however this time it's mine

So I was roaming the internet, trying to find something to amuse myself with, when I stumbled upon a quite ineteresting guy. To me he's a youtuber, successfull that is, and a really nice guy. He's not alien, and for some reason I do recognize a lot of things in him from myself.

Now, the reason to why I make this post is that in one of his videos (or actually cuite a few, but whatever), there is this wall behind him. It's like that wall where you like put all the important stuff that has happened in your life. Things such as your favorite musicians, a crush from your childhood, awesome films and game posters! It's the wall of memories. And I realised, when looking to my own wall behind me, that I doesn't have one.

Don't get me wrong, I've done things and experienced stuff, but I can't get away from this feeling that I'm still way behind. It's that... when I look at that wall, it's just plain gray-green, staring back at me with no signs of being a room of a living human being. A young guy, alive and supposed to have built a life filled with something worth mentioning. But there's just nothing. It's empty.

It's like when you think "I'll do that tomorrow" about your homework, except this is my actual life! Why do I postphone it? What am I waiting for and why am I so damn afraid of just getting out there and start living?

So yeah, that wall. It's the one telling me to forget about such uncomfortable feelings and just lay down in the bed right next to it, to wake up in another hopefully but doubtfully better tomorrow.

I'm sorry, but I don't feel like uploading anything creative or even... anything. At the moment. I'm now going to succumb to this tiering feeling of nothingness and sleep a good long night and hopefully wake up well rested and ready for the world. My expectations arn't that high, though...