I sought to find the great questions of the world

I watched with great sorrow how you, at Cox-con 2016, asked for riddles. Since none sought fit to take on the task, I took it apon myself to seek and find the grat questions of the world. Now I come to you from the first outpost of the Swedish northern lands.

So I, a humble wanderer and ponderer now ask you, Jesse of Cox: will you help solve my riddle?

In the heathen lands where I used to reside, they speak of a land overseas.
A land of great power at a critical hour, for their rulers cannot find peace.

   

They speak of a man with an ungodly tan, and a hair with a will of its own.
Like an orangutan he talks of Afghanistan, whilst resembling a rusty trombone.

This beast of a man is a bad pension plan, so I ask you now my lancer,
To tell me his name and you may then claim, the title as He with the answer. 

A trip down memory lane

Godkväll kära ni,

Ikväll sitter jag, två år senare, i en källare i centrala Furudal och skriver för att jag äntligen vill skriva igen. Jag har saknat att skriva, men utan att göra det så länge nu, att det nog inte ens är någon kvar här som läser mina nya ord.

Det är nästan två år senare i mitt liv och jag kan stolt säga att det inte ser sämre ut nu än då. Jag vet inte om jag varken har lust eller ork att skriva om hur och varför det är så. Det kändes bara bra att få det konstaterat. Fast jag antar att det inte kan skada med en mycket enkel nulägesrapport. Så here goes:

"För ett år sedan flyttade jag till Gävle för att studera Miljöteknik (vatten- avfalls- och energihantering) de kommande 3-4 åren. Nu har det gått ett läsår, jag ligger bara en kurs efter och känner mig som vanligt ambivalent till mina livsval. Just nu är jag dock som bekant i norra Dalarna, där jag pendlar i min alldeles egna bil och jobbar på återvinningscentralen här i Furudal och Rättvik. Imorgon kommer jag åka direkt från jobbet hem till Gävle för att få vara för mig själv, betala räkningar, umgås med krukväxter och hänge mig åt min alldeles egna jättehemliga hemlighet. Hemligt.
Jag hoppas att en dag kunna finna beständig lycka, en bra plats att bo på och en bra person att bo och leva med. Allt är således som vanligt."

Det är fyra år sedan, i september, sedan jag startade den här bloggen och bloggande var väl redan då på väg in i garderoben. Numera är det bara jag som besöker den här platsen.

Det är fyra år sedan jag slutade gymnasiet, vilket förmodligen påverkat både min bloggs läsarbas och innehåll. Den första tiden efter ITG var svår. Den var svårare än jag förstod då, för visst var det jobbigt att inte vara i ett sammanhang jag kände igen och trivdes i, nu förstår jag dessutom att det är en tid som aldrig kommer tillbaks. Den är över för alltid. Och det gör mig obeskrivligt ledsen.
Så det föll sig ganska naturligt att det blev både långt mellan gångerna och varierande kvalitet de gånger jag faktiskt skrev.

Några insikter om vuxenlivet:
Livet som vuxen är att göra saker trots att du är både rädd och osäker. Det blir inte gjort om du inte gör det.
Livet händer hela tiden, gång på gång och det är oerhört lätt att bara glömma bort det.
Om din vardag saknar mening får du antingen skapa mening ur ingenting, eller lägga allting åt sidan för ett äventyr och eventuell framtid.

Det här är sjukt töntigt, men nu är det gjort. Nu ska jag packa inför morgondagens avfärd och slutligen också sova inför morgondagens jobb. "Men det är ju lördag!" hör jag er (inte) utbrista. Och ja. Det är lördag imorgon.

Goddagens, det var inte igår!

När jag en gång i tiden startade den här bloggen hade jag som ambition och mål att föra den på engelska. Jag vill också minnas att det skulle vara en bildblogg, med lite text till mycket bilder.

Tanken var att jag skulle öva min skrivna engelska och göra mig förstådd hos en bredare publik.
Nu visade det sig att det inte var många alls som läste min blogg, framförallt ingen som pratade engelska.

Och några bilder har det ju knappast blivit. Det är naturligtvis inte uteslutet att jag någon gång lägger upp en bild, men tanken att det skulle vara en central del i den här bloggen visade sig inte vara hållbar. 

Jag har således bestämt mig för att i fortsättningen skriva mina inlägg på svenska.



Det har hänt så mycket sen sist. Jag inser att det var drygt ett år sedan jag skrev någonting och det är en skapligt lång tid. Eftersom jag inte har en chans att skriva ner ett helt gånget år utan att vem som helst som läser det här flyr hals över huvud av tristess tänker jag hålla mig kort. En snabb recap och återblick.

Den 27 augusti 2012 flyttade jag till Sjöviks Folkhögskola, strax utanför Avest i Dalarnas län. Det var ett ganska stort beslut och ett ganska bra beslut. Jag är på det hela taget nöjd med hur mitt liv kom att arta sig efter det.

Kursen jag tog hette Friluftsliv Hantverk och Ledarskap och var en utbildning för friluftsvägledare. Eftersom jag känt väldigt stor olust tiden innan, inför vad jag skulle göra senare i mitt liv, blev detta en alldeles utmärkt nödlösning.

Så under året på Sjövik hann jag både lära mig att avsky och älska kanotpaddling, hantera en symaskin, göra eld med enkla medel, hantera och underhålla naturmaterial, torka mat, vandra långt, vad skoskav är, sovsäcksseparerad kärlek och uppleva långa nätter med levande ljus.

När jag var klar med kursen var jag godkänd men inte kvalificerad att göra andra året som vägledare. Jag är inte riktigt säker på hur jag ska tolka det.

Förutom allt jag så att säga lärt mig har jag också kommit till en del nya insikter. Jag känner mig äldre och klokare, eller åtminstone mer erfaren. Och medfaren. Dessutom har jag lärt mig lite vad den där vildmarken är. Eller naturen. De är egentligen samma.

Så efter ett bittert slut med kullkastade framtidsplaner såg jag till att förse mig med arbete. Så bara någon vecka in på sommaren började jag jobba. Sedan dess har jag bytt arbetsgivare två gånger och arbetar heltid nu på ett projekt som kommer pågå fram till maj 2014.

Så nu sitter jag här, på ett kontor i utkanten av Uppsala, och ser världen utanför fönstret färgas av hösten. Det är på sätt och vis skönt att veta att jag inte kommer arbeta här längre än till våren. Egentligen klarar jag inte av att arbeta sittandes på ett kontor.

Så för att sammanfatta allt som hänt:
Jag är äldre, starkare och har nya erfarenheter i bagaget. Dock är jag fortfarande osäker i många sammanhang och jag kämpar med mina gamla demoner precis som förr. Det enda som egentligen verkar ha hänt är att jag har fått mer vuxna former och mindre fritid.

Hang-glide, hang-glid, hang-glidid...ididid...

I've been neglecting my life for too long. It has to end! The neglecting, that is...

I made a discovery tonight. Or I guess you could call it that. Or a re-discovery.
What I found out was that I had three undread letters from past friends, just sitting on my desk. Never even opened. And they're dated to two-three years ago!
I found them when I was looking for some old gift cards I knew I had laying around somewhere. Which turned out to be too old, btw. I realized how much I've been postponing things, just constantly neglecting pretty much everything. I mean, these gift cards even were for stuff I was actually planning on buying! What the hell!

So I said to myself "Hey, calm the fuck down and listen. You. Suck. Now get going with your life!"

Well, at least since I haven't done anthing for ages I'm not broke. That's always something, right? Not implying that happieness can be bought, but it's still something, right?

What sorcery is this!?

"Does anyone even work here anymore?

- Hello Dr. Z ^^

Ah, Sausage Cat! My least favorit creation...

- And that's why you have no friends." 

I don't even know, anymore. 

I wish I had some actual fricking free time! As for now, I have some assignments to get done, and for that I have been given som time, which is nice and all. It's just that I can't feel free when I'm done working, because the job isn't done! And by all means, it shouldn't be, but my imbecilic brain can't seem to quite understand that. So I can either be working or thinking about all the work I have left. 

I think I'm gonna go do something else now, like... something else. Blargh. 

Why!?

I'm feeling a bit weird. This is the first time I've been sitting in bright, actual sunlight when at the computer for a really long time! It was probably when I still attended IT-Gymnasiet. Good times, really.

I get psyched out pretty quickly when completely alone. I don't really know how to describe it, but I loose perspective on time and like... anything! It's just so damn weird!

It's like I feel good, but with the feeling that I shouldn't.

Anyways, since I got hungry and had some delicious dinner (black pudding...) I decided to finish this post later. Which would be now, then. Oh, and btw, I tried making some chocolate balls (is that how you actually say it?). And well, partially succeeded, but you know... one can't have everything, right?
Okay, I failed it, but I can't really tell why... I did everything right, with the right temperatures and amounts and in the right order and everything, but when I tried rolling them (balls of delisiousness) the "dough" was just too loose. It just wouldn't cooperate! So you know what? Fuck it, I ate it as it were. Like, a kilo. All by myself. I'm so lonely T_T

Jag skriver saker!

Jag är så ensam ibland. Så ensam att jag skriver på svenska när jag alltid brukar skriva på engelska. Så nu tänker jag döva mitt inre med att skriva upp det lilla som händer i mitt liv just nu, för att få lite perspektiv på det och kanske, om det är möjligt, känna att jag är aktiv och på väg rakt ut i den grymma verkligheten! Yeah!

BAM!
Körkort, that's a big one! Jag vaknar till en sen förmiddag, tar mig ut och kör några timmar, återvänder hem, äter middag, läser massa timmar och går och lägger mig! Yay...
Så... jag antar att jag lever som man gör i min ålder och livssituation? Ganska slött och "typ" på väg någonstans? Eller?

Så om två veckor, den 8:e och 10:e augusti kommer jag göra körtester, där teorin kommer vara i Uppsala, och själva körningen kommer vara i Hälsingland. Eftersom Uppsala är förjävla svårt att köra i, framförallt när ingen vill köra med en! Så Hälsingland, platsen dit Echodriving inte nått än... <_<

Så jag kör och läser teori, funderar på att läsa teori och låter bli till förmån för onödigt prokrastrinerande, skjuter upp ett småjobb jag fick i början av sommaren som ska vara klart till hösten, funderar på när jag ska hinna leta efter kurslitteratur och läser onödiga böcker så ofta jag kommer åt. Dessutom ägnar jag lite tid, lite för mycket rentav, åt att oroa mig inför framtiden och sörja att min barndom är över.



Nu ska jag diska efter frukosten, för jag är i stugan och då måste man diska. Efter frukosten, som var för sex timmar sedan. Så vi ses!
Herrå!

Silly thoughts

I wonder what I will feel when I look back on this part of my life when I've grown old(er). One thing I proably won't think back on if how crazy I was. Reason being, I never was that crazy.
Maybe it will be one of those things one remembers as tough, glad to have gone through, but not wanting to go through again?
I don't know.

And now, for something completely different ^^

When I notice two people I know, that for what I know don't know each other, comment each others statuses on facebook, I always feel strangely happy. As if it was because of me they got to know each other. Silly thoughts, really.

If not now, then when?

Once again that feeling of being too late. I had to write it, since I'm not in the mood to do actual talk with anyone and I really had to get it out of me. Express, is another word for it.

You know how humans tend to "take form" during their childhood? The ways of thinking, expressing and living.
I always thought that was to come later. I didn't have time for growing up, there were other obviously more important stuff to attend. Things such as school and following some kind of made up schedule on how to be a good boy.
Now, what I subconsciously learned was that any stuff that really mattered wasn't for me. Being with friends until really late, talking about stuff you can't really talk about and doing stuff you sort of couldn't do. I sort of begin to realize that as my younger sister is getting into all that sort of stuff. I guess it took some contrast to get the perspective. Oh well.

I would love to do all those crazy things I never did, but I begin to realize that maybe the time for those things are over. If that is the case, then I'm going to be really sad. I probably won't express myself by crying, mostly because it will probably all appear slowly over time.

I don't think I'm very sad at the moment, or perhaps I've just pushed the thoughts away, as it is. I can't really tell. For the sake of being positive, I'd say I'm just not very sad.

Is living on others experiences a bad thing? Like, if someone had a bad experience with something, should one listen to that and avoid doing the same thing? I know a few people who've built most of themselves out of own, personal experiences, and they're not necessarily happy, but they do at least seem quite alive and real. Could it be that I listened to much to others? I don't know. Because I've only got my own view of things.

I don't even

What if I suck?

I realized today that I felt almost relieved to draw back from more or less all social activity this summer in favor of studying for my drivers licence.

It felt very odd. Or well, at least it did when I thought it through, but at the initial moment it felt just right.
I feel like as if I can't be "saved", since I can't even be with people any more.
Well...
The thing is
I can.
I just can't initialize myself in anything fun, because I can't really find anything that stands out as fun to me.

The two things I want is being alone and re-learn archery. Eventually making my own bow. But that's just dreaming. Actually, it's all just dreaming. And it's a nightmare. Because I sincerely do hate being alone. I despise it. Which is sad, because I'm alone quite a lot.

Sometimes I miss being in love. Even when I wasn't engaged in any kind of relationship.
Miss it. A lot.
Having that someone that held some kind of special place in my mind.

I actually miss a lot of things.
However I don't really know if it's considered missing if none of it ever happened. I guess it's more like longing.

I need to find a purpose.

Hospitals 'n stuff

I just thought for a moment that I would like to share a memory with you. One that I remembered the other day when visiting my grand father at the hospital.

He is doing okay, btw, so for the rest of this post you can rest assured he's quite well.

However, as I walked into his room, it all felt very familiar. And here's something strange: I do miss it sometimes.
I miss the sence of how I was doing a good job for just being fine. I miss the professional care taking. It feels a bit strange, really.
I still remember all the scents, the lights and the was things sounded in those rooms. It all felt so real and close, and I think that's some of the things I miss the most these days. That closeness to the body and everything.

I remember waking up after the surgery, thinking it was just another monday and I was supposed to get up for school. I also remember the relief when someone told me I could sleep a little more. I don't think I ever opened my eyes at the recovery area, where you're being checked on and woke up.
And so, the glorious moment of finally waking up, in a bed, in a room and with an overwhelming need to throw up...

These are some of my memories of a time almost eight years ago.
I lost some weight and couldn't walk properly for about a month and a half, but for some reason I do miss this. And I honestly don't understand why.

Winning, but not at time estimations

So I guess you could say I won the race?
Actually, it's a little funny how it took me almost forever to write all those applications for all them educations, only to have to call them back, telling them that "I'm no longer interested", since I've now got accepted (if that's how you say i properly. Otherwise, this was improper. Oh dear) at one of the forever ongoing list of schools I've been applying to.

So since there now is an end to my free time, it's actually 'free time' ^^
I've also been quite sick the past two days or so, which in this case means that I've not been able to get myself any chocolate for some time.
Thing is, it's not been to bad, really, due to the over all crappieness. It's like when you're falling to the ground, and mid-air realizes that your nose is bleeding. It won't matter when you hit the ground, because it would bleed all the same when you smacked that pretty face into the hard surface.
Thus; success!

And as a last note:
I've been watching the sky, wondering why it didn't get dark, when I realized it's at the point when the sun is actually rising...
But sleep is for the weak, right?

Addiction, I'd be better off without you

I miss you all.
Not that most of you are likely to ever read this.
I still miss you, though.

I've been thinking, as usual, and I thought that maybe it's time for me to realize how much of a addict I am.
Oh, the irony.
As a member of a association for people that dissosiates themselves from alcohols and other drugs, I am struggling hard with an addiction. Some people consider it a drug, most people however, does not. You can buy it practically everywhere, legally of course.
It's sugar. Just good old sugar.

It might not sound like a big deal, but it really is. For me, it defenitely classifies as a drug. It might not be toxic, but most people would agree that it's not healthy. I'm happiest whenever I'm eating something sugary and the time in between I'm either off restocking my "supplies" or planning on how or when to do so.

Every night, I promise myself that tomorrow's gonna be different, but every morning I wake up with no reistance what so ever.

What this all basically does is taking focus from things that are actually important in life. I'm left with considerably little time to do anything, besides from feeding the addiction. It affects my motivation to do things, my social life and my economy.

I can't say I'm very proud of myself. Especially since I'm supposed to oppose drugs.
What a joke.

It began as a sort of self medication of my anxiety. It didn't feel as bad as taking any actual medicine, because it was just ordinary food. Or candy, really. But still. It was a really easy fall.
But every now and then I actually do put up some resistanse, but it haven't quite worked yet, since I then have to battle both the withrawal symptoms and the initial anxiety.

I don't know.
It's just giving me a hard time, that's all.

What's there to like?

If everyone has a value, then why do I feel so worthless?
Why do I keep watching other people living their lives when I could live a life myself?
When did I quit dreaming and how do I start again?
Every time I face someone that's heading somewhere in life I feel mainly three things.
1. Guilt, for not doing similar stuff myself.
2. Happieness, because I feel how alive one could be.
3. Regret, because I wish I was doing stuff too, instead of locking myself upp in my room.

I've failed at life and I'm the only one who notice it.

I just haven't met anyone lately. I avoid people, both online and in real life, because I can't face them, knowing that I'm mostly like an empty shell, not knowing or experiencing anything.

To wake up every morning only to realize that this day won't be any different...

Dreams are for alive people

I keep getting the feeling that people are only checking you in if you're creative, or "successful" with yourself if you will. That feeling when you can tell that someone is really living life. Not necessarily partying and doing all sorts of crazy stuff, but really going in for what they're doing and actually liking it. That kind of alive. 

As long as you're good to go, you'll get all the help you could ever want, but when you slip down it becomes much harder both to actually get real help and to get up there again. 

I usually start of with a somewhat good idea that I want to explain and get out of my head, but towards the end I use to get this feeling that I don't really know what I'm talking about. But then, who does? 

There is something I usually think and really would like to express but always seem to fail at getting out there. You see, I really love you for living. This might sound harsh or even creepy, but it's really the most comforting thing ever to know that at least the people that I know live a life worth living. I always use to think about them when I feel that my life is not worth living. It's calming.

So I just wanted to say thank you and that I actually love you. 

I just always feel pretty creepy about it. So I probably won't tell you in person. 

Where are you going with your life?

Some times I have theese days, where I just feel like a pile of worthless shit. This day is one of those days.
I don't actually have the time to write this, but I'm going to anyway.

So I have my periods in life. Or states of mind. Or whatever. Of which there are mainly three.

• The first and most common one is the "I guess I'm fine" kind of state, where nothing really matters too much. I'm not very happy and everything feels sort of grey-ish. This is the by far most common one.
• Next up, the second most common one: the "I hate my life so much I could puke" state of mind. This is where I feel no joy what so ever, I can't remember when the last time was that I had fun and there is no reason for anyone to like me. Ever. This is not the everyday scenario, although it's becomming increasingly common. 
• The last and least common of my states of mind would be the "Today is great, I can see myself living a happy life and actually contribute to the world!" one. It's however by far the most rare one of the three. 

It's just that I can't see myself living a happy life. That's all.

What do I do? Who am I?

I've subscribed to a whole bunch of new people on YouTube this week, just because I thought they were doing what they liked and sharing it with the world.
I do a lot of things trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be, and this is not an exception. Or an inception. But that is a movie. So never mind that. I also don't really know what inception actually means.
Anyway!
A lot of the people that I subbed to were just ordinary people living lives which one (in this case me) could easily be jealous about. They were being occupied in their every day life with stuff they actually liked to be doing.

Anyway, due to the somewhat egocentric person that I am, I began to think "What about I did what they were doing?". I thought a lot about this, or at least a little, and came to understand that I would probably not enjoy living their lives. And here is why.
These people seemed to be happy and they probably are, but they are doing all their work from home or in some cases, just one single room! I mean, I could never work at home! Because of... everything!
Or maybe I could and I'm just being jealous. Or lazy. Maybe both. Yeah, probably both.

Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it and feel like a much better person, filled with new energy!
If you for some reason don't, then I can't blame you. But thanks anyway ^^
Fro stopping by.

Split

In The Lord of the Rings, Gandalf told Frodo about Gollum. He told him that Gollum hates and loves himself, just as he hates and loves the ring. I thought a little about this. Doesn't Gollum apply to a lot of people? He does to me, at least. I hate and love myself, just as I hate and love the internet.

Oh yeah, this is my daily procrastination trip, in case you were wondering. Even though I guess it's a little more to it than just procrastination.
It's Friday, which means it's Parrentswappingday. My parents are divorced, like many others, and again, like many others, I move between two homes. This causes a lot of stress, but it's not the moving that's stressful.
My life works a lot like my bag. What I can't fit into my bag, I can't fit into my life. Just saying.
Ever since I was like 11 or maybe 12 I have been carrying my stuff back and forth. It's really not that hard, you get used to it fairly quick.

I've got these two separate homes, with my two totally different rooms. That I live in.
Who could have figured?
The thing is this. Or things, since there are more than one.
I would like to be able to bring as little as possible with me, since stuff tend to get heavy when there's a lot of it. Quite simple.
Now, in order to do that I would need to have the rest just waiting for me at the other end. Like, everything I can't carry with me. But to have two setups of the same life is both expensive and... weird. So! What to do? Well, for me the choice was easy. As in there was no choice. I split my life in two. Like two halves.
Now you might think that "Hey! That's just stuff, right?". And yes, that's true. It's just stuff. However!
You generally like to keep your personal stuff (which actually is quite a lot of things) close to you. Like, at least in your house.

Okay, I don't know. I'm just talking for myself here, but I really think that since it's hard to live a life without a secure and solid "this is my place".

So I have two parents, two homes and tries two have one life. In reality, what I've done, without actually noticing it, I've gathered my most important stuff at one place, and just what I happen to need in the other.
And here comes the recap to the stress I wrote about earlier. The one thing that always haunt me.
Since I've gathered most of my stuff at one place, it's kind of favored. I like to spend my time there, more than in the other place. What this does is that I want to live in only one place, due to the comfort of my room and the feeling of secure "homeness", which in the other end means that I feel bad for not wanting to live at my other parents place. I happen to love my parents a lot, so every time I feel like I'd rather stay at just one place I feel false and disloyal.

I'll try to sum this up.
I've got two rooms at separate parents, one room that's in favor over the other. While I'd rather stay at just one place, and make my life fixed and easy to manage, I feel a strongly disloyal to my disfavored parent. Even though it's actually the place that's disfavored. But it's hard to explain when all you feel is like running away to somewhere else.
"I really like to be with you, but I'd rather not be here..." I mean, just... how does that sound? Bad? I'd figure it sounds pretty bad, yeah.

This is really exhausting. One of a few reasons to why I have periods when I barely talks to people.
I guess I should just get my lazy fat ass over to my other place.

If you managed to read through all this, you're awesome.

Afterwards

I'd like to be narrator. To tell a story. I'd like to tell you about my life. That however, wouldn't be very exciting.

Have you ever felt that urge to get out? Like away and outdoors? Of course, the reason why I ask is so that I can tell you how much I, myself, have wanted that! I've been gathering stuff such as a tent, a really big bag to put the upcoming stuff in, a kerosene stove (I google'd it, can't be too sure that's the right word), clothes, a fleabag with an additional sleeping mat, canned food, first aid kit and bike bags.

Meanwhile, in my head, depression happened. So by the time I got ready, I really wasn't ready for anything anymore.
It's always sad when I dive into the dark, just like that. It's sad, because I used to have a lot of friends. But as time went on, I like drifted away people. Really, it makes me sad, because it was people with whom I had a lot in common and that I really liked to be with.
Every time these depressions occur I loose people. I remember them as they were and maybe even as they are, but I have nothing to do with them anymore.

Now with that said, I do have friends. For what I'm very lucky. These are people I've either just come to know, or those few who actually tried and stayed with me, even though I more or less pushed them away, when shit went down.

Thank you for your time, dear reader, and I hope I get to meet you yet another day!

Some time later...

Some weeks later, I sat down at my computer, thinking that it would be really nice to just take a brake from all those "must do" things and continue writing my story. You know, my life. That story.

The one week with physical activity (and strain!) in the year has passed! Yeah! Winter Break! :D

Wen't down the hills. Like a boss. 

I have these skis where you're supposed to turn as little as possible and just go for speed... so I went for speed. It's as easy to turn with them as with a full size truck! I mean, really? 12-15 meters? <_<

Aaaand, that was that!

Back in civilization again, with internet and nothingness! 

No, really... I can communicate with everyone in the whole world, but I don't have anything to say! Except of how I feel. And that won't make anyone happier <_<

I don't know what to do with my life. Should I end it?