I don't even

What if I suck?

I realized today that I felt almost relieved to draw back from more or less all social activity this summer in favor of studying for my drivers licence.

It felt very odd. Or well, at least it did when I thought it through, but at the initial moment it felt just right.
I feel like as if I can't be "saved", since I can't even be with people any more.
Well...
The thing is
I can.
I just can't initialize myself in anything fun, because I can't really find anything that stands out as fun to me.

The two things I want is being alone and re-learn archery. Eventually making my own bow. But that's just dreaming. Actually, it's all just dreaming. And it's a nightmare. Because I sincerely do hate being alone. I despise it. Which is sad, because I'm alone quite a lot.

Sometimes I miss being in love. Even when I wasn't engaged in any kind of relationship.
Miss it. A lot.
Having that someone that held some kind of special place in my mind.

I actually miss a lot of things.
However I don't really know if it's considered missing if none of it ever happened. I guess it's more like longing.

I need to find a purpose.